Den of Wolves

Stop Child Sexual Abuse Now! What you need to know. September 27, 2007

In his book, The Gift of Fear (Dell Publishing, 1997, pg. 15), Gavin de Becker says, “Sometimes a violent act is so frightening that we call the perpetrator a monster, but as you’ll see, it is by finding his humanness–his similarity to you and me–that such an act can be predicted.”

This is the chink in our armor that molesters use to get at our children–his similarity to you and me.  Most of the time, the molester is kind, benevolent, fun and seems to understand the child better than anyone else the child has encountered.  He is very, very good at it.  There’s even a word for it in my field.  It’s called grooming.

Grooming takes place when the molester goes to great lengths to gain trust and respect, not only of the child, but the adults in the child’s life.  They will tend to seek out children who seem vulnerable and become the child’s “savior”, buying them gifts, taking them (and sometimes their family) places they would not be able to afford on their own. They may treat the child as a peer, allowing the child to do things their parents would not (i.e. drink alcohol, view porn).  Making the child a co-conspirator, getting them comfortable with the idea of keeping “secrets” from their parents.  They become the person the child can count on.  Often (but not always) they are the most stable adult figure in the child’s life.  They set the child up to feel as though they willingly brought the abuse upon themselves.  Their favorite prospects are children who have been molested before.  Sad but true. 

They groom the parents too.  They lend an ear, loan money, do favors, offer free babysitting, etc.  They build themselves up to be a saint in the parents’ eyes.  The easier to discredit the child, should the child tell about the abuse.

Molesters will target children that they see as particularly vulnerable.  They don’t generally choose children who have numerous supportive adults in their lives, but if they have easy access or alone time with the child, the background of the child doesn’t matter.  Which is why molesters tend to seek out occupations that afford them easy access to children.  It is also why most children are molested by people they already know and trust.  People who are considered above reproach by their parents.

If you are a parent, you should be wary of any adult wanting to spend unsupervised time with your child.  Alarm bells should go off in your head if your child is being showered with lots of gifts by someone (I don’t mean grandparents–although grandparents can be molesters too). 

Trust your instincts.  If something feels wrong to you about the situation, don’t shrug it off.  Don’t assume because you know the person and he or she “couldn’t possibly ever do something like that”, that your feelings are unwarranted.  Molesters don’t live in a vacuum.  They all know people.  They are all someone’s child, grandchild, co-worker, neighbor.  They live among us, shop among us, work among us.

Besides being wary of people who seem to have an unexplained interest in spending time with your child and signs that the person is “too good to be true”.  The one very important thing that you can teach your child is that they have the right to say “NO”, where their body is concerned.

I cringe every time I see or hear a parent force a child to “give aunt Zelda a hug”  or “go on, give uncle Bert a kiss”.  This sends a clear message to your child.  Their body is not theirs and they don’t have the right to refuse unwanted affection from adults. 

This is what I tell people, even grandparents, if my child doesn’t want to give them affection.  I tell them that we want our kids to feel comfortable telling people “no” when it comes to their bodies and affection.  Most adults don’t need more explanation than that.  If they do, tell it like it is.  Say that you don’t want to train your child that they have to submit to any adult who wants affection from them, so that if they encounter an adult who has bad intentions, they are better prepared to protect themselves.  If “aunt Zelda” or “uncle Bert” truly love and care about your children, they will understand and want this for them too. 

Also, know what your children are up to.  Know who their friends are and who they talk to, especially on-line.  Go visit Internet Safety for Our Children’s Sake if you have any doubts about the dangers lurking on-line.  Don’t allow your child to have unrestricted access to the computer in a secluded location.  Keep your internet access limited to the computers in the public areas of your house. 

Jacer, at the link above, has some interesting and scary information on a site similar to YouTube, that allows people to stream live video from their webcams.  This could translate into your child, alone in their room, chatting with a predator (who’s pretending to be 13, but he’s really 43), while the predator views them live through their computer.  Do I have your attention?  Good!  Sends chills up my spine just typing it.

Being involved in your child’s life and teaching them the signs of someone who’s “overinvolved”, teaching them they have the right to say no if something is making them uncomfortable and making yourself approachable if something is bothering your child are some of the best things you can do to prevent your child from being targeted as an “easy mark” by a predator.

There is a whole world of information out there about what you can do to help prevent your child from becoming a victim.  Forewarned is forearmed….

 On that note.  I shall post and head off to sleep.