“Because my skin is brown…” July 28, 2008
Posted by Mrs Flipphead in family, kids, racism, transracial adoption.trackback
Last night my heart broke in two when my five year old son told my husband that he didn’t want to go to kindergarten because “the kids will make fun of me and tease me, because my skin is brown.”
I knew this time would come, I just hoped it wouldn’t be this soon. I should have guessed and been more prepared after I overheard one of the boys at his preschool when he was 3 1/2 call for him by saying, “Hey black kid, your mom is here.” Another three year old. And said in a totally matter of fact, unmalicious tone. But at that moment, I should have known that my beautiful boy was already being exposed to the kind of thinking that lead up to the stunning realization last night that my child feels that he is “less than” because he has more melanin in his skin than some of the other kids.
{Edit: I realized in re-reading this post that it seems that I have taken a bigger leap than I have. I failed to mention that several girls in his four year old kindergarten class told him they didn’t like him and he couldn’t play with them because his skin was brown and not white. This revelation has sparked months of conversations about skin color and took a toll on his easygoing, happy-go-lucky personality. These were girls that previously had no problems with playing with him and considered him their friend. Whether the color of his skin was the real reason they didn’t want to play with him anymore, 4-5 is the age when they start noticing differences in skin color and understanding that there are social implications connected to skin color. Whether they get it from t.v. or their parents is pretty irrelevant to me. I just think it’s sad that somewhere they heard or decided that brown skin color might be a good thing to pick on a kid about. Though I realize that children will latch on to the most obvious difference and make it a “bad” thing, it’s a pretty diverse center with lots of children of color. It doesn’t appear that this was a “blanket” policy for these girls. Whatever the reason the girls decided to pick on him about his skin color, the impact it has had on my child is what made me so sad when I first wrote this post. Whether it’s racism or not, is open to interpretation. I have certainly not identified it that way to my son. I just tell him that some kids pick on other people to make themselves feel better because they don’t like themselves very much and we should feel sorry for them. Then I focus on how smart and handsome and talented he is (he can run like the wind–it’s truly an amazing thing to see when he gets going full speed–and not just fast, but graceful and effortless).}
In a time when we might very well have the first black president of the United States being elected in a few months, I thought just maybe….
In a world where the internet has removed the physical barriers between people. Where you can chat with someone from the Philippines or Moscow in the blink of an eye… I hoped….
I guess I was an idiot…
Now I’m left with, “Damn…I should have been more prepared for this.”
I read all the right books. I asked all the right questions. But you are never prepared when the one who is your whole world is hurt by hate or ignorance.
All those people who will never see him for anything but “that black kid” will never know the sparkling eyes, the impish grin, the incredibly witty sense of humor…
They will miss out on the unboundless love and affection that this child carries within him.
What a shame…
Kids will tease kids. It’s a harsh fact of life. I say focus on the positive and let the rest roll off your back.
You know what a great kid you’ve got. Tell him. When he’s afraid of being teased, tell him that those kids are just envious that he’s so handsome… or smart… or a better [insert physical achievement here: like bicycle rider or skateboarder or hopscotch champion... whatever fits].
Help him to understand that kids tease out of fear or envy. Put it upon your son to prove the boy beneath the skin color is an awesome kid. Tell him that yes, he is different, and that’s what makes him so unique and wonderful.
Everybody is different in some manner or another. I got teased because I had red hair, or second-hand jeans two sizes too big for me. I got teased because I had freckles. The list goes on and on and on. Point is, my sense of self-worth was stronger than the hurt any of these kids could inflict. Yeah, it hurt sometimes. But I knew who I was and I knew that I was a pretty awesome kid no matter the teasing.
I mean, seriously. Barney is purple and a dinosaur and lots of grown-ups would like to see him shot on sight, but has he ever let that stop him from making friends?
Silly, I know. But think about it.
I am a bit concerned that your take on this being a racial issue will inadvertently emphasize that fact. I’m not sure if I’m explaining myself well here… what I’m trying to say is that in your accepting the teasing as a racial slur, feeling pity for your child because of his dark-skin, you are, more or less, telling your son that he is inferior, that he is a victim.
Stop focusing on the negative and concentrate on the positvie. Help your son to find his self-worth, build that boy up and no amount of teasing will ever beat him down. He is awesome, and those that will truly matter in his life will recognize that fact.
Those that are too blind to see the light… phbtt …Who needs ‘em. Water off a duck’s back.
positvie = positive
Damn dyslexic fingers.
That is so sad to hear about in the year 2008. I would love to think that racism and segregation does not exist.
How lucky your son is to be black though….I spend a small fortune on black clothes because black is a beautiful, beautiful colour of power.
Thanks for the add to your child safety blog roll. Child protection appreciate it…we need all the help and exposure we can get. All children, no matter what their colour, need protection, love and community support.
Megan from Imaginif in Australia
Hey Stacy-Long time, no speakie. Thanks for the input. I know you are right. I think I was having a “down” moment when I blogged this post. He has just been very obsessed with why his skin is brown and ours is white. I guess, in re-reading my post, I realize that I didn’t share the part of the story that makes me make the leap from the innocent comment of a three year old to the more malicious comments of his four year old kindergarten compadres (see the edit, above) in calling what is happening, racism. I do already do most of those things you mentioned about. He really is handsome and smart and athletic and funny, so it’s easy to provide lots of positive feedback. And on a happy note. Kindergarten is really going very well. He has made some friends and seems to really like it. He still asks why he is brown and I am white and eventually (when he learns about things like sex *gulp* in about…oh…say…100 years or so…it will be easier to explain why his birthmama, Stacy, carried him, her skin is brown, so is too, etc. etc. For now I talk about how great it is that our family has so many different colors (he is the darkest, his dad is darker than me, I am the palest and his brother is somewhere in between me and his dad). My husband tans pretty dark in the summer, so it has been easy to show him the startling difference between my husband’s skin and my pasty, gastly white complexion. I have also explained to him about tanning beds and how white people spend a ton of money to lay in special beds to make their skin darker because they think it is much prettier that way (I leave out how in later life they will be wrinkly as an old leather totebag). I’m trying to avoid pointing out how different he is from us and focus instead on the ways we are similar (he and I both have curly hair for instance and he, his dad and his brother all have brown eyes while mine are blue) which seems to help as well.
Busted a gusted about the Barney reference, btw! Shot on sight. Where’s my gun?! Thank God my youngest prefers Dora, Diego and the Backyardigans. He loves him some music and those little weird computer animated buggers can sing and dance. There’s the moose, the hippo, the penguin and the kangaroo, but what the hell is that pink thing? An alien? Took me forever to figure out she was a girl!
imaginifitwasfree-You have a great site. Thanks for the visit. He is lucky to be black and I am trying to get that across to him. All politics aside, it REALLY helps that Obama is running for president of the USA. I make it a point to call attention to him whenever I see him on t.v. or on-line. My son thinks that is pretty cool that someone with brown skin might soon be the most powerful man in the USA. That really does say a lot about how far we have come in a relatively short period of time (in the grand scheme of things).
I am so sorry your son, you and your family are going through this. When will people learn!
I’m sorry I haven’t been by in so long too. Things get crazy and I completely lose track of time.
I pray things get better for you and your family.